One of the biggest complaints I hear aboutDestructoidis our lack of maturity. Sites across the Internet fromJoystiqtoCute Overloadoften cite our irreverent, tasteless humor as evidence of a lack of reserve, or of a sort of immature, childish world view. Gentlemen and fly b$&^#es, I’m here today to tell younothingcould be further from the truth.
Here atDestructoidwe see the world not in black and white, but instead in shades of grey interspersed with pictures of naked women, decapitated corpses and ducks wearing hats. While sites likeSlashdotorAin’t It Cool Newsprovide a valuable service with their discussions, reviews and well regarded opinions, we fill in the blanks of modern culture by speaking on topics that many sites not requiring credit card authorization wouldn’t dare touch. WhereShacknewswill tell you when the latest iteration ofAnimal Crossingis set for launch,Destructoidgoes the extra mile and draws in-game penises using only the crude tools at our disposal; couches, flowers and the stray bumblebee. You’ll never seeKotakuutilize a patch of daisies to represent a human urethra — that’s theDestructoid Difference.
In closing friends, when you want to read about how polished Crytek’s CryENGINE2 is read a press release, but when you want to know what twenty-something college dropouts think the undead corpse of former president Gerald Ford would look like while riding a cybernetic dinosaur through downtown Los Angeles within CryENGINE2,Destructoidis the only choice.
Thank you, and good night.
What have we been playing in between maintaining our high journalistic standards? Take a look:
Rev Anthony:Rocking the Spy and Engineer classes inTeam Fortress 2.
Dick McVengeance:Loco Roco: Cocorecchohas left me confused and slightly scared, so it’s time for some more Bridget action onGuilty Gear: Accent CoreandNaruto: Uzumaki Chronicles 2for Japanator.
BlindsideDork:Picross DSis still my obsession. Must have it all perfect!Preywas a bust since it seemed like the latest update made people not able to play with each other. Most disappointing.
Jim Sterling:Very little indeed. Essentially, justMetal Gear Solid 2: Substanceon the Xbox while I’m in the final week of my American trip. The rest has been watching my ladytype playKnights of the Old RepublicandJade Empire. She’s a BioWare fan, you see. Unfortunately, I will be in the United Kingdom again this time next week, but I at least have some gaming I can catch up on. Thank the Lord(e) I don’t believe in for small favors, eh?
(Editor’s Note: ‘e’ added on behalf of Her Majesty, The Queen. — Lord Nex of Upper Ipswitch)
Grim:I went ahead and pre-orderedThe Orange Box, so I’ve been playingHalf-Life 2and most of all,Team Fortress 2. My God, it’s such a fun game. On Xbox 360, I played a littlePreyandCall of Duty 4.
Tristero:I spent the entire week going throughTaito Legends 2. I’m a total arcade junkie and this collection was pure heaven. It got some negative reviews for its lack of bonus features, but at least half of the 39 games crammed on here were a total blast to play. Some of the highlights includedDarius GaidenandG Darius. Both are well above average shmups with branching paths and excellent art design. Another great inclusion for sheer WTF chuckles wasGrowl(also known asRunarkin Japan). You play gay biker animal rights activist on a revenge rampage against evil poachers. Finally! The gaming world’s been clamoring for one of these games for years.
(Editor’s Note: For those not in the know,Growlis the single most politically incorrect beat-em-up in the history of a genre known forgender confusion,spousal abuseanddeadly facehugger aliens. — Nex)
Colette Bennett:I hasEternal Sonataand can’t decide whether the battles are pissing me off or I like it. This is twenty hours into the game, mind you, so it’s doing a hell of a job on my brain.
Topher Cantler:I finished upBioShocka few days ago, and it’s nice to be able to finally talk to people about it without worrying about spoilers. All that first-person perpective has left me hungry for some 2D, so since then I’ve been playing lots ofContra, Alien Hominid,andGalaga. I also tried getting intoMame Goma – Honobo no Nikki, but it’s just so … boring. It’s cute, though.
(Editor’s Note: Quick survey: I finally got Alien Hominid this week after talking to some of the guys at Humongous and I’m sorta curious if any of you have actually completed the game. I’ve been having more fun with the PDA minigames since they don’t make me feel like an infant with Tuberculosis. — Nex)
Leigh Alexander:I’ve been visiting my parents all week, and except for compulsiveElite Beat Agentson the train for some reason, I have just had a non-stopRune Factorymarathon all week long.
Nex:I’ve spent time with a ton of different games this week. FromWorld in ConflictandLord of the Rings Onlinefor Destructoid,Halo 3andHeavenly Swordfor my other job, toBomberman Live, Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo HD Remixandskate.for my poorly neglected Xbox 360, my time has been spread thinner than Calista Flockhart a decade ago when this joke still would have worked.
Oh, and of courseBioShock. Everything about this game screams awesome in a shrieking voice that chills the flesh of the living and frightens cats for miles around. Also, those cats have drills for ears and legs made out of antiquated clock parts and bloody twine.
I don’t think I can invent a higher compliment.
Chad Concelmo:Castlevania: Symphony of the Night,Puzzle Quest, andThe Legend of the Mystical Ninja. Totally classic, unbelievably addictive, and Dr. Yang-tastic, respectively.
(Editor’s Note: Scratch that comment about not being able to come up with a better compliment than what I said above — based on Chad’s affection for Goemon, “Concelmoesque” is now the pinnacle of praise. — Nex)
Dyson Grigsby:Stopped playingMetroid Prime 3and moved over to playingNeutopia IIfor the Virtual Console. I’ve been hankering for another run-through ofOkami, but I think thatBioShockwill be the next game on my plate.
Nick Chester:Playing a lot games at Tokyo Game Show, including the one where I try to figure out what small Japanese girls are saying to me about weird Japanese games that I’ve never heard of.
Gameboi:I’ve been jumping back and forth betweenElebits, andJustice League Heroes. Neither game is stellar, but then again, everything can’t be aGod of War, Gears of War,orBioShock… well …can it?
Faith:I’ve been playingBlue Dragonon Xbox 360 and I love the poo snakes and giant rats. “I will never give up!”I’ve also been playingBrain Age, Carcassonne, CatanandSonic the Hedgehog 2.
Aaron Linde:Eternal Sonataand — oh, what’s that game called? Oh, right.Halo 3.Ha-ha!
What about you guys? We seem to have hit the lull of an extremely fruitful season for game release prior toHalo 3capping the whole thing off, so is everyone just biding time until they have a Master Chief in their hands or was I just stretching too hard for a masturbation gag?
