Normally this is the space where I get to say whatever random verbal ordure pops into my head to either giggles or confused shuffling, but today I want to highlight a recent news article that is easily more entertaining than anything I could fabricate. Here’s a quote fromBoing Boing:
The Daily Telegraphreports on a bizarre case in which a man staying at a hostel was surprised by workers with a master key, having sex with a bicycle. He has been placed on the sex offenders register, despite apparently indulging in his practices in private with an inanimate object.
Yup. He was banging a bicycle (orbicicletafor our shockingly large Spanish audience). Some of you automatically recoiled in disgust at the idea of anything not specifically human-wang-on-human-cooter, but I’m a bit more open minded than that. I’ve been exposed to some very interesting women in my time, and as a result I’ve come to expect deviance from people — that people can and will sexualizeanything, given enough time and the proper resources. Googling “sex with bicycle” gives you 1.35 million results, so obviously it isn’t as bizarre as all of you out there in Internet land are imagining.
The only real question is, what part of the bike do you f*^&? Those spokes can’t be too friendly, and despite the oil, that chain probably pinches horrifically.
This is much less interesting than that bike thing up there, but games were also played this week:
Chad Concelmo:Great week is great!Actraiser, Puzzle Quest: Challenge of the Warlords, Ninja Gaiden, Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros’ Treasure, Phantasmagoria, andBeautiful Katamari. Phew!
Hamza “CTZ” Aziz:I playedTimeShifton the PS3,Unreal Tournament 3on the PS3 and I just gotDementium: The Wardthis afternoon that I can’t wait to waste my entire Saturday on.
Dyson:Hooray me!! I finally finishedBioShock, and I’m damn glad I did. I kinda pussed out and saved all the Little Sisters, but I’ve alway been a sucker for small girls that leech Adam from their eye sockets. Also, I spent many a night playing BUY THIS GAME. Or, as the rest of the world that isn’t Reverend Anthony calls it,Zack & Wiki.
Seriously, folks, heed the warning and get this game as soon as you can. No joke.
Gameboi:I’ve been playingBurnout: Revengeand reminding myself just how great theBurnoutgames are. As far as I’m concerned, they set the standard for fun.Gran Turismo?Forza? You’ll have to settle for second and third place.
Tristero:I finished bothBioShockandPortalthis week. The cake might be a lie … but all the hype these games have been getting is well deserved. I usually don’t do the whole FPS thing, but both these games really opened my eyes to the beautiful creative possibilities of the genre. Sort of like when I first heard Patsy Cline and realized that not all country music sucks.
Magician Lordfor NeoGeo was a perfect Halloween download for the VC and I’ve also moved ontoZack & Wiki, which is so much more fun to play with a best friend helping you along. What a great year for games! Is everyone else as happy as me?
Jim Sterling:Having never been a real big PC gamer, I confessed on the last Podtoid that I’d never fully playedHalf-Lifebefore. This week was spent rectifying that situation. My advice though, is to never play critically acclaimed FPS games from 1998, because you will have a horrible, horrible time … and then there was so much God damned platforming.
Still, I couldn’t resist finally orderingThe Orange Boxnow that I have the requisite background knowledge (although, considering myHLcopy had a game breaking glitch near the very end, I should have just went to Youtube first and saved myself the grief). Expect to see me rocking someHalf-Life 2, Team Fortress 2and of course,Portal, in the near future.
Orcist:Don’t worry Jim — my PC is actually an abacus, and I’ve never playedHalf-Lifeeither. What I am playing, however, isSam and Max Season 2, Episode 1, mercifully shortened toSam and Max 201. Aside from that, I’m still getting my dailyPuzzle Questfix, a littlePhantom Hourglass, andKiller 7.
Nick Chester:Pretty busy week, leading up to some pretty busy months. I’ve been spending a lot of time with the slim PSP, and I’m digging it —Castlevania XandLumines(one and two!) made my recent flight out to San Francisco manageable. Why was I in San Francisco? To see Husky, Hamza, and .tiff! Oh, and theUnreal Tournament 3launch party, of course! I spent the evening playing a “near final” (it was done) build ofUnreal Tournament 3for the PS3, and the next morning, I spent enough time with the PC version’s single-player campaign to get motion sickness.
I’ve also been playingFlatout(Xbox 360), which is surprisingly good;Guitar Hero III(360); and as soon as I buy a new power adapter for my Nintendo DS, I’m going to crack open this copy ofDementium: The WardI just got.
Busy holidays are busy.Colette Bennett:Wow, here comes my list:Beautiful Katamari, Folklore, Dementium: The Ward, Megaman Advent, Puzzle Quest, Zack & Wiki, Phoenix Wright. Whew!
Nex:Being an international celebrity, champion-level luchador and strikingly talented geneticist doesn’t pay nearly as well as you’d think, which is why I’ve been so damn poor recently. As a result, I spent my time this last week locked inside my apartment playingGuitar Hero Eye-Eye-Eye, andVirtua Fighter 5 Online.
Guitar Hero IIIis easily the best rhythm game in existence currently, and though I have no doubtRock Bandwill be stunning, it has a lot to live up to just based on the thing’s soundtrack. If MTV’s contribution means we get original recordings on 90% of those tracks, I might have to start watchingThe Hills, and figure out who the fuck Chris Brown is.
And of course, I took a few hours out of my busy schedule to let Dexter345 and Astro Bear (recently promoted to Astro Bastard) kick me repeatedly in the junk viaBomberman Live.
Leigh Alexander:I’ve got quite a queue going, too. This week, it wasZack & Wiki, Portal of Ruin, andPhantom Hourglass, and I’m about to crack openCastlevania: Dracula X Chronicles, too. I’d say something clever about it, but I’m approaching death from exhaustion at the moment and would rather use my last words to pen my secret alchemical recipe for the Philosopher’s Stone, which I finally invented.
BlindsideDork:I have been sinking my stylus intoDementium: The Wardlittle by little and I am in love!Team Fortress 2is pissing me off with its constant lag AFTER this update that supposedly “fixed” the problem.Dick McVengeance:Blasted throughCastlevania: Dracula X Chronicles, as you all know, and now I’m putting my nose to the grindstone withDisgaeafor PSP. I really want to give my PS3 some more love, but as soon as I turn it on, I’m going to have to playDynasty Warriors Gundam. So, you can understand my hesitation. Does someone want to give me a fun game, perhaps?
Ron Workman:Turtle Head for the PSP, Kids Gyno visit for the Wii, Amateur Boy Tourture for the BS3, and Kat Fancy for the 360. Dyson punched my mom in the stomach for 5 bucks one time. And I have also been everything for the 360.Katamari, Ace Combat 6, tons of XBLA as usual and99 nightslike there was no tomorrow. I just can’t get away from it.
David Houghton:It’s still all about Valve for me at the moment. Having got myself joyfully fully up to date with the latest ofHalf-Life 2over the last couple of weeks and completedPortal(best end theme ever, and best game script in bloody ages) I’m preparing to take the plunge withTeam Fortress 2. I’m also playing a hell of a lot ofHalf-Life 2: Deathmatch, nearly daily in fact. Steam account name is Davestructoid if you want to give me an add.
Faith:This week I playedFront Mission, Brain AgeandThe Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglassfor the DS. I also playedMy Simsfor the Wii. I love this game. It’s so cute.
Topher Cantler:I started poking atDementium: The WardandFlash Focusfor DS when I wasn’t playingSuper Puzzle Fighter,Mutant Storm Empire, orThe Darkness. No, I hadn’t playedThe Darknessyet. I don’t know why! Stop yelling at me!
Grim:Guitar Hero III,Halo 3, andMutant Storm Empireon XBLA. I also picked upWartech: Senko no Rondeand instantly fell in love with it. I can’t help but wish that more shmup/fighter hybrid games were, you know, actually created.
Dale North:Like Dyson and Tristero, I recently finishedBioShockand was quite pleased. Finishing any FPS is no small feat for one who normally gravitates towards RPGs. Speaking of RPGs, I’m still knee-deep inPersona 3. It’s like I’m in a trance — I’m loving it, savoring it, and I don’t want it to end.
What did you guys play this week? Other than “let’s see how utterly retarded we can make the cblogs look?” Yes, we’re all very impressed at how many Internet memes you know and how tightly you cling to the idea that your thoughts and ideas are somehow more important than those of the next anonymous face on the ‘net. It’s quaint, in a “1994” sort of way, and almost as impressive as all those virtual pissing contests Darwin would have attributed to some kind of mating display a hundred years ago, save for the dearth of actual women on the Internet. As such, he’d be forced to sadly scratch his beard, wistfully wonder how the mating display became so perverted as to have become a ritual solely reserved for teenage boys to show off to one another, and ponder how long it will be before you kids start showing off your red, engorged asses to each other in the hopes of winning a prized mate.
