Mr. Destructoidand the Destructoid team were there in full force to attend, naturally, with the Robot himself making his way to the stage to deliver his very own E3 eulogy. To experience the mourning of the old E3 via photos and Mr. Destructoid’s very own speech, hit the jump!
The procession was long and more physically toiling than we had expected to encounter. After quickly grabbing whatever Gamecockswag was left over for the long track to Venice Beach (black handkerchiefs, umbrellas, and camel-backs all branded with the Gamecock logo), the Destructoid team joined the parade across the water to set the old E3 to rest. Bloggers, press, and developers maintained a steady pace with red-caped Gamecock ushers, a raggedy-anne New Orleans flavored Jazz band, and scantily clad retired booth babe zombies who weeped silently whilst hiking along in heels.
Five minutes to the pier, the trumpets were silenced to make way for the more somber sound of bagpipes. Freaks and geeks gathered around the concrete pier that jutted out on to Venice beach to hang their heads in sorrow and celebration of our former E3. The first eulogist, Gamecock cofounder Chris Miller, set the tone of the ceremony with cleverly macabre mournings of the old E3 days, remarking that the new E3 “…is sort of the death of something old and the birth of something new. And with birth you have hope, that over time we can take the Wallstreet schmoes and kick them in the nuts”
Miller then looked to the audience for additional eugooglists to join him on stage. Our one and only Mr. Destructoid was one of the few to express his deepest regrets and reliefs to the passing E3, delivering a speech so momentous and pivotal, even Rick Astley could be heard rick rollin’ in his grave. The speech? Well it went a little something like this:
I’ve been invited to say a couple things about E3. My name is Destructoid. I’ve been called a lot of things that are not Destructoid. I’ve been called immature. I’ve been called a loser. But I run the largest independent gaming site here, and by the looks of the crowd, by the look of the future of the gaming industry, I think I look just about right. So, I want to say just a couple of things about E3, but more specifically, about the aborted fetuses that are the independent gaming companies shut out of E3. This is not my original work, it’s a selection I picked up from a red-headed visionary of the 80’s. If you know the passage, find a chain-link fence to jump against.
We’ve known each other for so longYour heart’s been aching but you’re too shy to say itInside we both know what’s been going onWe know the game and we’re gonna play itAnd if you ask me how I’m feelingDon’t tell me you’re too blind to see
Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you downNever gonna run around and desert youNever gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbyeNever gonna tell a lie and hurt you
The speech ended, the band started up once again, the stilted folks spun around, and the last of the E3 events was complimented with beers and Segway rides aplenty. The ceremony was less than riveting all in all, but to watch Mr. Destructoid pour his heart out on stage like a little Astley once did only decades ago was enough to make the whole event worthwhile. Look forward to an upcoming video of the infamous Destructoid speech later on this week!
